If you've been served by a 20-year-old lately at a restaurant, you had one of these thoughts: "Wow, this individual is a fantastic self-starter!" Or, "Wow, this person has no problem solving skills."

The first comment is about those 20-year-olds who make food suggestions, influence you to order an appetizer, has great people skills, and show a high level of confidence.

On the contrary, the second comment is about the 20-year-olds who don't have answers for you, lack the confidence to make any decisions when taking your order, are reserved and timid around others, and don't have the common sense to just refill your water glass rather than asking if you'd like more water.

Through observations as a parent, researcher, and educator, as well as with input from lots of other parents, I've compiled a list that will ensure your child is more like the first 20-year-old. Truth is, it starts with the things we do and teach now.

In addition to helping your kids into adulthood, it will also help with grades, school performance, motivation, and self-awareness in their current season.

#1 Independence

Guide your child towards independence. This one can be challenging if you have multiple kids in different age brackets (like me). What I have learned is that there are several simple ways I can incorporate this into my life that deeply impacts my kids' autonomy.

For example: whatever outfits they pick are ok. I don’t have to control that. Honestly, it's not a battle worth fighting. Let them wear what they want. A way to influence what they're choosing from is to keep their closets simple things they like and you approve of. Then it won’t matter WHAT they’re choosing because all items have been okayed by you!

Having this “control” helps their independence. Let them choose their snacks. Because I have 3 lunches to pack (and my little ones for sure can’t pack theirs yet), I pack my eldest’s as well. They all can develop independence by choosing their snack though. Give them healthy snack options and, again, it won’t matter what they choose.

Leave the bag packing to them. It’s their stuff, their school. Speaking of school, challenge your child not to be so dependent on the teacher either. They have various resources besides the teacher, like textbooks, manipulatives, peers, technology, etc.

Teach them to tell time, use timers, and alarm clocks. You get the idea. Think about age appropriate things that you can “let go of” that will help your children become less dependent on you and/or any other adult and more self-reliant.

#2 Priorities

Love God and people, consume nutritious foods, stay physically active, allow for creative play, and always work hard. These are priorities that we hold in our household.

Although they may vary in your home, it’s important that your child understands what he/she should prioritize. Below are some conversation starters to help you discuss/teach/implement your priorities.

-Would Jesus be there with you? How would He feel if He heard you act/talk that way?
-How would you feel if someone talked to you like that?
-Is it healthy for the body? Side note: my kids love learning about nutritional content. "Mom, how healthy are cucumbers?” They were super excited when we found out and now tell all their friends that “cucumbers are made of 95% water!”
-Is it healthy for the mind? Should you read that? Watch that? What kind of thoughts will derive from that?
-Is it excessive? Too much of something can cause a lot of damage.
-There’s never room for boredom. Suggest certain toys if there’s a struggle to think creatively. Like, “Play with Lego’s!”; “You have lots of super cool monster trucks!”; “What’s your favorite dinosaur?” This initiates their mind.
-Always work hard. On the soccer field, at school or homework, at work, solving problems, on family working weekends, serving... whatever it is, do it well.

#3 Routines

These will vary in every household. The important thing is that you remain CONSISTENT. Expect these from your kids daily. If your kids are older, they shouldn’t need reminders... have consequences in place and FOLLOW THROUGH with them.

I’ll give you some of the routines we have in ours, as you think about some routines you would like your kids to follow:

Every morning, my children make their beds, brush their teeth, and spend time with Jesus in some way. Of course, this looks very different for all of my boys because of their reading abilities, interests, and personalities. Nevertheless, habits are being established. The little ones flip through pages and glance at pictures, while Levi reads his Bible and then his devotional. These are morning routines that my husband and I also abide by, so the boys witness our consistency with them as well. Because of this, they never complain about them. It’s what everyone in our household does.

And then there's the bedtime routine. When our children were babies, we had a regiment we followed daily. Now, however, we have sports almost every night and routines are a little more flexible. Nevertheless, the boys know that between 8:30 and 9:00pm, they’re going to bed. No arguing necessary. Consistency. Share what routines are expected of your kids and help them turn those into habits.

#4 Relationships

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Friendships are good and needed. An important lesson to teach your child is HOW to be a good friend. What character traits do they want in a friend? He/she should probably have similar standards for themselves as well because they are someone else’s friend.

There will always be “clicks.” Sometimes they’re created because a group of kids have similar interests. Other times because they’re trying to intentionally leave someone out. I tell my kids that not everyone has to be their best friend. You’re not going to get along with certain kids. THAT’S OK! However, there’s absolutely no reason for them not to be kind to every single person.

Kindness is reciprocated. It’s not the primary reason to be kind, but you can’t ignore how well individuals want to be treated themselves. So, if you want your kids to be treated with kindness, teach them to BE kind. To seek friendships. To be an excellent friend. An initiator of relationships.

#5 Self-motivation

Parents can only control their kids to a certain degree. They’re their OWN PERSON. Their outcomes are largely dependent upon how far they’re willing to dedicate themselves. In school, any extracurricular activity, and towards their future.

How well do they want to perform on the next math test? Mom, dad, or Mrs. Smith can’t take the test for them. The motivation to pay attention in class, complete assignments well, and study hard is on them.

How badly do THEY want to win the next track meet? Mom, dad, or Coach can’t run the race for them. The motivation to work hard at practice, take care of their daily nutritional intake (not just before the race), warm-up well and have a recovery plan will set them apart from their opponents.

Are they after that win at the STEM competition? The motivation to strengthen their creativity and focus is solely on them.

Teach them to set goals, and then place the responsibility to follow through on a daily basis to reach that goal on their shoulders. It’s THEIR life.

And if they know what they need to do to achieve their goals but fall short, help them make necessary adjustments, then cheer them on to continue with their pursuit.

#6 Organization

Have you ever met a kid with strong organizational skills? They're pretty rare... Kids are naturally messy. Their rooms need help. Their backpacks need help. Their entire lives need organizational help.

Why not TEACH THEM how to organize their binder, workspace, room rather than doing it for them (or just griping at them for their messiness)? Set clear expectations.

Here's a tip with this-- Instructions for younger kids should be in chunks. For example: “please put away all the car and Lego pieces that are on the floor.” Once they finish that, ask them to put their clean clothes away neatly, and the dirty ones in the laundry room. Then choose the next task.

It's also important to have a designated spot for their backpacks, shoes, and jackets at home. Announce the spot clearly for everyone (spouse included) to help keep the house neat.

Before the first day of school, go through their school supplies with them and discuss your expectations for their schoolwork, backpack, and daily tasks for lunch prepping and such. For example: “always put your English assignments in your red folder as soon as you get them from your teacher.” Or “make sure you keep your glasses in the case when you’re not using them.”

Cleaner home, room, and backpacks will simplify their lives. Less mess = more room to play, be creative, and rest.

#7 Boundaries

Parents constantly having to repeat instructions and finally just screaming to get their kids to obey. Feeling like they can only get their kids attention if they threaten them— and many times they’re “empty” threats with no intentions of following through with “leaving the party if they keep behaving that way” or “throwing all their toys away if they don’t clean up right now.”

Typically, kids that struggle obeying classroom rules are the ones that are not used to following rules at home. But, aren’t you “crushing their spirit or creativity” if you set limitations for those sweet little ones?? Absolutely not.

Can you drive or vote at any age? Graduate high school? Operate a forklift? Those are called boundaries. Limits. They provide safety.

It blows my mind when I see kids just grab their phone, iPad, Nintendo switch, etc. without asking their parents for permission. It’s their *expectation* that they can play whatever they want, whenever they want.

And, in some homes, that truly is the case.

What about teenagers staying up reeeeally late on school nights and then sleeping in class? “They don’t listen to me when I tell them to put away their phone and go to bed. And it’s their phone anyways.” Ummm, no ma’am. They’re 14 (or 15, 16, 17...). Did you know what was best for you when you were 14 (or 15, 16, 17...)??

I have wonderful friends of older children that I have observed and learned from in regard to phone rules. That’s exactly what they’re called, “RULES.” Those RULES only worked because their kids knew how to abide to RULES.

#8 Respect

Respecting the elderly community, adults in charge, classmates, siblings, and himself or herself.

Respect is appropriately placed after boundaries. Individuals that are ok with boundaries, understand how to show and expect respect. For example: in the classroom, the teacher is the person in charge. When he/she is talking, a respectful child will not interrupt. The child understands the limitation of waiting until the teacher finishes talking to raise their hand and share their thoughts.

Additionally, and maybe most importantly, respectful individuals hold their own values and standards to a high regard. They don’t give into peer pressure because they respect what has been asked of them.

#9 Kindness

The beauty about kindness is that it’s free.

A smile. Helping someone pick up their books after they tripped. Showing a new kid around the school. Including the kid that’s always left out at recess. Volunteering to partner with the quiet kid on a project. Greeting the janitor at school. Writing a thank you card to the school nurse. Complimenting a friend’s new haircut. Helping the teacher clean up after class. Anything!

Kindness can really impact someone’s day-- sometimes even their life!

Love God, love people.

It’s possible that you’re thinking: “I’ve ruined my child. It’s too late to introduce any of these skills.” No! There's hope because there's redemption, grace, and forgiveness.

First, have a discussion with the person you parent alongside (spouse, ex, etc.). Tell him/her WHY you believe these skills are important, and your plan to implement them with your child(ren). Ask for his/her support as you introduce them to your child(ren), and for his/her help in being consistent throughout the process.

Second, have a discussion with your child(ren). Similar to the discussion you had with the person you parent with, it’s important that your child(ren) understands the WHY behind the changes. They’re much more likely to welcome change when they are taught rather than told.

Finally, be consistent. Don’t just add things to your list because they “sound” good. Implement things that you BELIEVE IN, that you BUY INTO, that you KNOW will help your child have a successful school experience, and ultimately, life.

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**HEY THERE! I’M DR. CAGLE… DO YOU NEED HELP WITH CREATING GREAT HABITS???**

Parenting is hard work. It requires tons of boundaries, daily consistency, so much awareness, as well as lots of patience, grace, wisdom, and filters. Combine that hefty list with all of life’s demands and others’ voice may become louder than yours in your child’s life, increasing their anxiety, fears, and doubts.
Healthy parenting is about seeing yourself as your child’s #1 teacher, saying the right words (or nothing at all) at the right time, and having the right tools to be intentional and impactful. Guessing your way through life, which is what most parents do, is a recipe for failure, but following the lead of someone who has two decades of research-based information and fully understands the demands of parenthood is a recipe for a full life— for you and your child.
With a PhD in education, I’m here to teach you how to use daily moments are learning opportunities so you raise confident and competent lifelong learners that thrive in an ever-changing world.
Additionally, I offer workshops and keynotes on various topics to parents, educators, students, and business leaders— because the need to understand, support, and empower learners is everywhere.

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9 Important Life Skills for Kids