Conflict Resolution for Kids
Teach your kids to fight. Yes, I said it. Sibling rivalry is a fantastic opportunity for your kids to learn how to fight towards conflict resolution. Afterall, don’t you fight with your spouse as well? Fighting can lead to personal and relational growth when it’s done the right way.
Before you decide not to even read this post because you have an only child, I challenge you to continue reading it. Here’s why: your child will still play with other kids, right? Go to school and have various classmates? Go to a park/gym/play a sport?
Fighting and conflict resolution skills are very important for all socializations and interactions. I only geared it towards sibling rivalry because that’s something that parents talk about all the time...myself included!
When my husband and I were newlyweds, we were also babies. 19 and 21 to be exact. Our first year of marriage was wonderful. Then our second year began. The honeymoon stage was over, and life was truly beginning. Along with the arguments.
We fought a lot. And some arguments led to regretful words. Then we went to a marriage conference one night, where the pastor introduced an idea of “breaks” during fights. Kind of like timeouts. He challenged couples to discuss (not during arguments… when you actually "like" each other, ha) how the other likes to solve problems.
Certain personalities like to solve things right away. They can’t move on or barely take another breath until a solution is reached. There are other people, on the contrary, that could go daysss without solving things.
Here's what we learned when we took that pastor's advice to communicate about how to fight: my husband is the first type, and I am the second. We quickly learned we really needed to “learn how to fight.” Although my husband wanted to solve things RIGHT NOW, I was on the other spectrum and did NOT want to solve ANYTHING right now.
Truth is—you have to meet in the middle.
For smaller arguments, we only needed a “5-minute timeout” for both of us to cool off and resume our discussion. If the issue was a larger deal, sometimes a “30-minute timeout” was necessary. There were even times that longer timeouts were needed! Overall, however, we learned how to fight in healthy ways.
These “timeouts” allowed us to cool off and regain focus on what we were even fighting about. It kept us from saying things we never meant that were completely unrelated to the main topic(s) of the argument, just because we were frustrated/hurt.
We realized that, many many times, the origin of our argument was completely silly and not worth fighting about. Other times, we realized that there was a deeper-rooted issue we needed to discuss and solve.
We celebrate 18 years of marriage this year, and quite often, get asked what our secret has been. Both of us agree (100% without a doubt) that it’s because we learned how to fight early on.
In these 18 years, we added 3 boys to the mix. There are burping/farting competitions and wrestling matches that take place on a daily basis. And with the “babies” being 5 (Titus) and 7 (Micah) years younger than our oldest, Levi has lots of advantages on his little brothers. In addition to the age difference, we also have very different personalities in the mix.
Levi (the oldest) is an extrovert. He loves being in the know, in the middle of every party, and is 100% all in, always. We talk a lot about self-control with him, ha.
Titus (the middle one), on the other hand, is an introvert. He’s a homebody and loves individual activities (like reading, coloring, and building). He also asks to be left alone often.
And then there’s our baby, Micah. He has been our most outgoing child since infanthood. He never struggled going to preschool or church and waves at every person during our evening walks. He loves attention, talking, and bossing others around.
Most of my life is centered around these boys, and I love (almost) every single second of it, haha When the wrestling or indoor soccer matches begin, they end in tears almost every time.
A core parenting belief is that the boys learn to solve their own issues without relying on my intervention, because I won’t be there to solve their issues their entire lives. I truly believe problem solving skills are important lessons for individuals to learn and one that parents can incorporate through sibling rivalry. Therefore, I have started teaching my sons the power of the “timeout” technique that has been so helpful in our marital relationship.
So here are some tips on teaching your children that same strategy:
1. Observe your child
In order to teach your children how to problem solve with each other, you have to be the “expert” in the field. Do your homework and know each child’s personality.
Do you have kids that like solving things right away with you or a sibling? Or do you have children that ask for space when conflicts arise?
Once you learn how each child likes to “fight,” begin practicing the technique on your children. It’s also important that you share what you’re practicing with your significant other. Introduce the concept to him/her, or better yet, ask him/her if he/she would be willing to try it out as well.
The more consistency a child gets, the clearer you will understand him/her.
2. Teach your child about their emotions
I have a rule in my home that emotions are not bad. Because they aren’t! Even though I’m in a home with four guys and all of the testosterone (and a male dog too!), I want them to know how to feel. Tears are ok. Being scared is ok. Being frustrated trying to figure out a toy is ok.
Although I allow (and encourage!!) them to express their emotions, I also make sure that I’m teaching them when it’s appropriate to feel certain emotions, as well as how to handle emotions in a healthy way... even in competition!
For example: when you’re hurt, cry!! You fell, are bleeding, bumped your head… physical pain. A friend left you out during recess, a kid at school said mean things to you, you didn’t make the team… a hurting heart. Whatever the case may be, crying is an appropriate emotion when someone gets hurt (physically or emotionally).
Crying, however, is not as appropriate when you’re frustrated or mad. When you’re frustrated, use your words to tell someone what you’re frustrated about-- which leads to solving the conflict, whether it's with a personal or something you can't figure out.
For example: you need help opening that bottle? You can’t figure out that toy? You’re mad because you didn’t understand the math lesson? In any of these cases, words are necessary to reach a resolution. Because nobody knows that you’re frustrated by your tears. But if you express yourself to your teacher that you didn’t understand the math lesson, he/she will most likely re-teach the lesson or ask to see you during tutorials. Problem solved!
If you’re mad at a friend because he didn’t pass the ball to you, crying also won’t solve anything. Even though your feelings might have gotten hurt, if you discuss with your friend that you wish he/she would pass to you more often, he/she will most likely do so next time you play together. It’s also likely that he/she wasn’t even aware that you wanted the ball.
Bottom line is, emotional health is very important for children. They need to learn at an early age the power of words. Communication, as we all know, will be needed every single day for every single person. Whiny adults look extremely silly to their co-workers. Don't let that be your kid.
Teach your children about their emotions and about communicating their emotions.
3. Introduce personality differences
Introverts or extroverts. Life of the party or homebody. Loud or quiet. Aggressive or gentle. These are just a few differences that make a tremendous impact of how your children navigate themselves, their siblings, and their conflicts.
Two of my kids are extroverts and one is an introvert. I make sure that I create a safe space for each of them to flourish in their uniqueness.
For example: on the days my introvert goes to school, I ensure he can unwind in a quiet space when he gets home. He’s generally exhausted. Not because they did SO MUCH at school, but because he had to socialize all day.
My extroverts, on the other hand, live by the motto “the more the merrier.” So, in the summers when it’s just us 4 during the day, we go to our neighborhood pool where lots of kids go daily. That place is a safe space for all of them—my extroverts can talk to and play with lots of friends, and my introvert can sit or swim by himself whenever he’s had enough.
It’s important for your children to recognize these differences about themselves but also each other as well. Because there are times that Titus (my introvert) is just done playing. And Levi (one of my extroverts) wants to keep playing until eternity. This also leads to conflict!
So, I’ve taught Levi to pick up on Titus' hints and learn to read his mood. I've also taught Titus how to recognize when he's reaching his bursting point and how to communicate the need for a break with Levi. This empowerment increases their communication skills and teaches them to handle conflict on their own!
Explore the three steps to 1. observe your child, 2. teach your child about their emotions, and 3. introduce personality differences and practice them in your home to raise resilient kids that know how to fight in the healthiest ways.
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HEY THERE! I’M DR. CAGLE… DO YOU NEED HELP WITH CREATING GREAT HABITS???
Parenting is hard work. It requires tons of boundaries, daily consistency, so much awareness, as well as lots of patience, grace, wisdom, and filters. Combine that hefty list with all of life’s demands and others’ voice may become louder than yours in your child’s life, increasing their anxiety, fears, and doubts.
Healthy parenting is about seeing yourself as your child’s #1 teacher, saying the right words (or nothing at all) at the right time, and having the right tools to be intentional and impactful. Guessing your way through life, which is what most parents do, is a recipe for failure, but following the lead of someone who has two decades of research-based information and fully understands the demands of parenthood is a recipe for a full life— for you and your child.
With a PhD in education, I’m here to teach you how to use daily moments are learning opportunities so you raise confident and competent lifelong learners that thrive in an ever-changing world.
Additionally, I offer workshops and keynotes on various topics to parents, educators, students, and business leaders— because the need to understand, support, and empower learners is everywhere.
