5 Ways To Help A Child With Behavior Problems in School

Mar 28

The beginning of every school year is such an exciting time! New school supplies, new clothes, new shoes, new teachers, and maybe even new friends. As the excitement starts to dwindle, however, the hardships begin to creep in. The earlier bedtime, the morning rush, the bad hair mornings, the math struggles, and having to see THAT boy/girl every day.

Kids have a lot on their plates during school. They have to perform daily-- academically, physically, socially, and emotionally. They have to keep up with the classwork, homework, after school activities, part-time jobs, church activities, and a social life. Think about it. It’s A LOT!

School is very similar to future work experiences. Struggling in a subject = struggling in a job. Struggling with a classmate during a class project = struggling with a teammate during a work project. Struggling with a teacher = struggling with a boss. Their struggles are very similar to adult struggles in the workplace.

Even when the battles seem so silly to adults, it’s important for kids to be taught and supported as they navigate their “work” because those are big battles for them. This skill is called Social and Emotional Learning (SEL), and it’s something teachers are having to be trained in because, unfortunately, parents are lacking in. Quite often, teachers’ biggest difficulties in the classroom derive from issues at home. In fact, it’s quite unfair for kids to be held to a certain standard in the classroom when they can behave however they wish at home.

Regardless what month of the year it is, there are 5 essential practices for parents to strengthen their relationship with their child, as they partner with educators during developmental years in their children’s physical and emotional stability: 1. Engage in homework, 2. ask open-ended questions, 3. know their friends, 4. prioritize family dinner, and 5. simplify.

Let's unpack those 5 areas:

#1 Engage in homework

According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average hours per day parents spent conducting activities related to household children’s education for children under the age of 18 in 2019 was 0.11 hours. That’s equivalent to 6.6 minutes per day.

The report went further and analyzed fathers and mothers separately. Fathers spent 0.06 hours (3.6 minutes), and mothers spent 0.15 hours (9 minutes) doing anything related to education.

Parents, we can do better. We NEED to do better!

Show your children that you care about what they’re learning at school. The more engaged you are, the more interested they'll become because you're valuing their education.

This time with your child will also allow you to explore areas your child may need more academic support in. If so, encourage him/her to attend tutoring for additional help from the teacher or to get with a friend that excels in that subject area.

A side note here: your child excelling in school is not about him/her being a straight A student. You have to get to know your child well to set appropriate academic standards for him/her. Every child learns and performs differently. That’s the beauty of classroom diversity! And most teachers love challenging their students to their unique maximum potential. This, however, can be a very challenging task in a classroom of 30+ kids.

On the other hand, if parents provide a supportive and engaging academic environment at home, students will also be more engaged in the classroom.

Get involved. Partner with your child’s teacher. And watch your child flourish academically (and most likely in many other areas too!!).

#2 Ask open ended questions

I often hear parents complain that their kids never tell them about their day. Could it be because they're asking questions the wrong way? Check this out:

“Did you have a good day?” Yes/no.
“Did you like your food today?” Yes/no.
“Do you have homework?” Yes/no.
“Was Johnny nice today?” Yes/no.

Let’s explore asking the same questions... a little differently:

“What was good/bad about your day?”
“What was your favorite thing packed in your lunchbox today?”
“How is your homework load today?”
“How did Johnny act towards you today?”

Same questions… expressed in ways that will require more than “yes/no” answers.

It takes work coming up with questions that lead to lengthier conversations. But, just like everything else in life, the more you practice, the better you’ll get at open-ended questions! Further, your child will also get better at answering questions in more detail, even when you ask yes/no questions-- because connection begins to flourish. They adjust to conversations as a norm.

In a world of so many distractions, it’s important for parents to remain the primary voice of influence (or a very loud voice of influence!) in their child’s life. And, you can only hold that spot in their lives if YOU TRY.

#3 Know their friends.

Be curious about their friends. Ask about them-- their siblings, parents, hobbies, interests, aspirations. Welcome them. Have them over for dinner. Be fun and engaging. Be safe. Caring. Loving. Get to know the ones your kids are hanging out with when you’re not around.

The sooner you get to know them, the quicker you’ll be able to influence those friendships too. Should your child really be around that person? It’s ok if home lives are different. It’s ok if their interests vary.

It’s not ok, however, if their morals vary tremendously from the standards you are raising your child with. If foul language is part of their vocabulary, but you do not want it to be a part of your child's. If you notice the friend being a bit too physically aggressive, then you learn he/she plays certain violent video games that you do not let your child play. If you overhear conversations and/or witness behaviors and actions that you disapprove of.

If you have established a loving but authoritative role in your child’s life, you’ll quickly be able to intervene in a situation like this. You can explain to your child why you don’t want him/her with that friend. Let's be real here-- it’s likely that your child will voice his/her frustration during that conversation... honestly, it’s what you want! You want your child to feel comfortable sharing his/her opinion and voice. To have confidence in sharing his/her desires. To be able to talk to you.

It’s also important that you stand your ground with your decision and expect your child to obey and respect your request. Afterall, your voice of influence needs to be the loudest voice they respond to. This will only happen if you take the time to establish trust and a friendship with your child.

#4 Prioritize family dinners.

To establish trust and a friendship with your child, prioritize family dinners. Silly conversations. Serious discussions. Important decisions. Crazy competitions. Quality time.

The amount of time kids spend at school varies by state, but in general, it’s around 8 hours per day. Full-time working parents are at work for a minimum of 8 hours per day as well. That’s 40 hours per week away from each other. Whether your schedule mirrors that or not, it’s super important to be intentional with the time that you do have together.

Family dinners can be pizza night on Mondays. Or taco Tuesdays. Or a big bowl of chili sitting around the fireplace on Saturday night. It doesn’t matter what is on the menu. It doesn’t matter where the dinner takes place. What matters is that the whole family is together. That everyone is encouraged to share happy moments, tough experiences, and whatever is on their mind.

Spend as much together because, one day, family dinners will consist of you and your spouse. (not that that will ever be boring… it’ll just be quieter and more productive, ha!)

The point is, prioritize family dinners. Unwind. Laugh. Create memories as you are intentional with the precious time you have together.

#5 Simplify.

Schedules. Options. Noises.

Do a test run on yourself for a week.

-Try to say “no” more often to requests to prevent so many things on your schedule for the week.

-Try to limit your jewelry options for the week. Simply wear studs to remove the options of finding “the perfect earrings for that one outfit” just for one week.

-Try to avoid picking up your phone at the red light to check Facebook or respond to a text. Give yourself those quiet 1-2 minutes to just breathe and observe traffic, the landscaping around you, or the birds congregating in the trees.

You’ll LOVE the simplicity. And hunger for more of it.

If the busyness of life can make grownups feel this way, can you imagine how children must feel too?

Teach them to keep life simple. Simplify their schedules. Simplify their options. Simplify their noises. They can’t do this without the guidance of an adult for two reasons: 1. they’ve yet to learn how to prioritize and 2. adults are the ones filling their schedules with too many options and too much noise!

Here are three ideas to get you started:

Designate one night per week that you spend time as a family. No outside noises or distractions. Just one another. Pull out a favorite board game, read a favorite story, or go on a bike ride. Start a fire, make brownies, or find a new favorite recipe. Make it relaxing or active. Just make it about the family being together.
Take a couple of hours on Sunday afternoon and have them try on their clothes/shoes/accessories. Do they still like those shorts from last summer? Are they going to wear that camp shirt? What about all those holy socks? Worn out flip flops? Only keep things in their closet they really like and will want to wear.
Technology boundaries. “No phones at the table.” “No technology in the car.” “No TV in your room.” Create (and ENFORCE) boundaries that will silence the constant internal and external noises in their lives. Silence is not boring. It’s a time to breathe, reflect, dream, create. Show them how valuable silence can be.

In summary, practice these 5 things:

Engage in homework
Ask open-ended questions
Know their friends
Prioritize family dinners
Simplify

Even if you fail one day or one week, try again tomorrow or next week. Just keep communicating with your child. Share about your failures and why you want to do better. Vulnerability will strongly influence and revolutionize your time with your child!

One final thought-- if all of this sounds so amazing, but you have no idea how to get started on this journey of simplification... or you feel like you'll never be able to establish a healthy communicative relationship with your child... or you don't know where to even begin on setting technology boundaries in your home, I can help! Check out my coaching options that will transform your life!!

Reference:

U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics (2019). Average hours per day parents spent caring for and helping household children as their main activity. https://www.bls.gov/charts/american-time-use/activity-by-parent.htm

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