Sibling rivalry is so real... and one sentence that brings a fresh perspective to that rivalry is "We are a tem." That’s a saying for every household. Dad, mom, brothers, sisters. Everybody knows what a team consists of— teammates. People that work TOGETHER to achieve the SAME goal. The goal is to WIN. A game, a race, or a competition. It’s always to come out with a positive outcome.

Teammates are not competitors. They’re helpers. Supporters. The ones that go to battle with the rest of the team. They pick each other up when someone falls. They cheer each other on from the sidelines. That wipes away tears and sweat. Even though they may not always see eye-to-eye with other teammates, they’re still on the same team. Practicing and growing together. Winning and losing together. Fighting until the last second together. Everything is TOGETHER.

In my boy-mom home, the competitions are real. In fact, everything is a competition... farting competitions; burping competitions; eating competitions; car racing competitions; who kisses mom first competitions.

You name it. They turn it into a competition.

The trick as their mom is to remind them they are not competing against each other. They’re making each other better, faster, stronger. How do I do that? By constantly holding team meetings to get them (and us-- mom and dad too!) on the same page.

When do coaches call team meetings? When regrouping is needed. When a strategic shift is necessary. When the team needs a breather.

Utilize that same strategy in your home.

The coach (mom or dad) is never exempt from the meeting. Oftentimes, mom/dad need to “correct” their parenting behavior as well.

Team meetings are times to gather, process, and strategize. Reset, remember, and realign. Organize, process, and ultimately, get on the same page that your family is a heck of a team.

These meetings don't always just have to be rooted in rivalry. Here is a variety of topics to discuss during team meetings:

The kids want to go to Disney. Create a plan during your time together on how the entire family can pitch in towards achieving that goal.
The siblings are bickering. Gather to remind them how they should act/talk with one another, to listen to the root of the issue, and to discuss consequences if the behavior continues.
The kids are struggling to obey the first time. Discuss your expectations, collaborate on ways they can do better, and list the consequences if you continue to repeat your requests multiple times.
Phone/car violation(s). Remind your teenager of their responsibilities as a phone/car owner, listen to what they have to say about why they broke the rule, and carry on with the consequences.

(A side note: If you don’t have “phone rules,” I highly suggest establishing one. It’ll be extremely difficult to hold them to a certain standard when the standard hasn’t been established and is unknown to them. You can’t expect them to know better… Be clear with what is and isn’t allowed. That way, when they break your rules, you have a clear ground to stand on with the consequences.)

Establishing/re-establishing rules. Didn’t have phone rules established? Need to re-establish sleep over rules because now the kids are older and other “dangers” need to be discussed? Discuss why you are creating/changing the rules, listen to their feelings (they’ll most likely be frustrated at first… but stand your ground! Let them vent and vent some more. Continue with your plan. You know what’s best for them) and introduce the consequences they will face if the rules are broken.
Issues at school. Grades, behaviors, friendships… school is a big place with lots of opportunities to fail. However, it’s also a place where lots of growth can happen too—socially, emotionally, and academically. Set appropriate standards for your children in all those areas and make sure they comply with those standards. Team meetings are a great time to ask them lots of questions about things that are happening when they’re away from you. There could be variables affecting them that require your attention (i.e., maybe their grades are struggling because they are sitting next to a close friend and that has been distracting for them—easy fix. Email the teacher and ask for a new seating arrangement. Or maybe they sit far from the whiteboard or screen and are struggling to see the information—email the teacher asking to have them moved to the front until you can get them to the eye doctor.) Early interventions can prevent long term negative effects in all areas of life, including your child’s learning and academic development.

Whatever you decide to name your meeting or what gets discussed during your meetings is up to you. Nevertheless, meetings must be objective, collaborative, and strategic.

If there's a big conflict being addressed during this meeting or it's a new thing you're establishing as a family, there are four things that will help you hold successful meetings: being calm, strategizing prior to calling the meeting, collaborating, and ending on a positive note.

1. Be Calm

Coaches are not always calm when they hold team meetings. In fact, they typically scream quite a bit in the beginning. They’re trying to get the players' attention. Wake them up. By the end of the meeting, however, coaches are calmer. Their voices get more stern, directive, and instructive.

The screaming part of the meeting only happens for 2 reasons: to get the players’ attention and for the coach to express his/her frustration. Nothing productive comes from the screaming. All the strategy of going forward comes from the time when he/she calms down, thinks more clearly, and is able to communicate more effectively with the players.

Same thing in your home with your team.

Don’t start your team meeting yelling and frustrated. If things were so out of line, take a minute before calling to the meeting. Address the inappropriate behavior, action, or attitude. Discuss consequences that will take place from their choices.

Take a breather if you need it. But don’t start your meeting while you’re bubbling in frustration.

2. Call a meeting when you’ve had a chance to strategize.

What behavior is needing correction? Is one sibling aggravating the other(s)? Are they being disrespectful to each other or a parent? Did you hear of something they did/said at school? Are you needing to cut back on the spending to go on a desired vacation?

What’s your plan to correct the behavior? Time-outs? Spankings? Loss of privileges? Eating out once a week?

Be consistent with your plan. Be ready to follow through every single time. Don’t let the consequences be merely “threats.” Consistency is KEY.

Kids are very smart. If you don’t follow through with your rules, you’ll lose their respect in this area. As in, they’ll realize that “mom/dad really isn’t going to ____ (give me a spanking or take my phone away). They’re just threatening me to get my attention.”

It’s easy to lose respect and hard to gain it back.

It’s also very unfair to the kids to have inconsistent parents. One day mom gives them 3 chances to obey, the next day the kids are getting spankings after the first request. How is that fair for them? Not knowing what kind of parent you’ll wake up like that day.

Let your yes, be yes; your no, be no. Be consistent.

And if you’ve lacked in this area, call a team meeting! Discuss why you’re making the changes and your expectations of them as well as yourself. (also, there's a little bonus for you at the bottom.. so make sure to read until the end!)

3. Create a collaborative space.

Make your teammates listen first. After you’ve addressed the main topic, ask them to share their thoughts and feelings. Most times, you’ll hear a lot of “well, he said ___ first!” or “she pulled my hair first!” Pointing fingers and blaming each other.

This is why you want a collaborative space. You want them to share their frustrations towards their sibling under your supervision. Otherwise, once the meeting is adjourned and everyone goes back to their activity, they’ll whisper to each other, “see what you did??” “why did you tell on me??” And another argument starts. Nothing was really solved.

So, encourage them to share their feelings. Then you have a chance to address everything together. This also creates an opportunity for you to understand where they’re coming from and see if anything/anyone else needs additional adjustments as well.

For example: you may hear something like, “well, dad always keeps tickling us even after we ask him to stop.” (this gives dad a chance to hear that he needs to abide by the boundaries you are asking your kids to abide by— in this case: respecting each other’s requests).

Or, “I always hear Sally (a friend) saying that.” Then you can address why that vocabulary isn’t appropriate for them to use, and maybe even talk to Sally’s mom, if necessary.

Or, “I just reeeeeally wanted that toy.” And you can discuss that, although there are things we really want, we need to abide by the budget to achieve our goal.

4. Break!

“Team ___ on 3! 1, 2, 3… TEAM ___!”

Have a team name. A team chant. Break at the end of team meetings. The break is a call to “go get ‘em, team!” It puts a smile on everyone’s faces and a positive attitude in everyone’s hearts.

Most meetings will include lots of emotions. Tears, frustration, anger, arguments, etc. But it’s important to end on a good note. A reminder that you’re in this TOGETHER. That you’re all working towards the same GOAL.

Even when you disagree, dislike, or disapprove of the behaviors or actions that led to the meeting in the first place, you have to allow room and time for the conflict to get resolved.

Some meetings take 5 minutes, others may take an hour! That is why strategizing the meeting is essential. Because not only do you need a plan to approach the issue, you also need to allow enough time to solve things.

So, whether your meeting is called to solve sibling rivalry or to plan a dream trip, end on a positive note. Hug, pray, ask everyone to say one good thing about another family member… whatever. Get creative and have fun!

And most importantly, bring purpose to the “togetherness” of your family.

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