Do you feel like all your child does is whine? Like they can’t seem to ever ask for anything without whining about it?

Fast forward to adulthood. Can you think of some adults in your office or circle that, although without a whiny voice, whine about everything? Those adults are no fun to be around. Their negativity can change the vibe in the room and shift everyone’s attention to the wrong, bad, and ugly. Don't let your children turn into those annoying adults you can't stand!

Why are kids whining in the first place? Because the child has an emotion attached to the information he/she is sharing with you. If you separate the emotion from the information, the whining will diminish tremendously. This process will help your child become better communicators in the long-run because they will continue to have needs... but will be able to tell you what they are without the whiny voice that escalates into annoyance for the parent and a possible tantrum for the child.

Now for the part you really want to know-- how can I teach my kid to separate their emotion from the information? Here are 5 steps to help you turn the whining into good ol' communication:

Step 1: Observe

You first have to observe the root of the problem leading to your child’s whiny behavior.

Is it when he’s arguing with his brother? Is it the day after she had a nightmare and came to your bed at 3AM? Is it when the kids stayed at the grandparents’ house for the weekend? Is it around 11AM every single day? Or is it all day, every day-- like a habit?

Sometimes a snack does the trick. Other times, a nap does.

There are other children, however, that are beyond the typical hangry or exhausted child. I’m talking about the kid that always has a whiny voice. That always speaks in a whiny tone. Take notes on when you notice the whining. These notes will guide your next step.

Step 2: Target the Emotion

Your child could be sad, angry, frustrated, hurt, or scared. What you focus on is the emotion connected to the information they’re trying to tell you. And you begin to separate the two.

For example: Lisa comes running over… “MOOOOOOOOOOM, my baby doll is stuck in her car seat, and I just CAN’T get her outta thereeeee.” Can you hear her whiny voice? Mom’s response: “Lisa, you seem really frustrated that you can’t get your baby doll out of the car seat. Can I help you with that?”

Call out the emotion you observe in your child. You’ll be teaching them about their emotions as well as how to control them just by calling them out in this manner.

It’s important that you don’t crush their emotions. Don’t say, “why are you frustrated about that? What a silly thing to be frustrated about!”

Affirm their feelings. Remember their age. Not being able to do something that someone can do is frustrating. Also, those are real problems for them. They don’t have bills or a boss to stress over. But, not being able to take a baby doll out of her car seat is truly frustrating to a 5-year-old!

Step 3: Listen to their Information

Pay close attention to what they’re telling you. Listen beyond the whiny tone and focus on the information.

For example: Johnny runs over to his mom at the park. “MOOOOOOOM, I really wanted to swing, but Daniel won’t let me even though he’s been swinging FOREVERRRRRR. I just want to push him off the swing because I REEEEALLY want a turrrrrrn.” Mom’s response: “Wow, Johnny. You seem very angry (target the emotion) that Daniel isn’t getting off the swing (the information). We should never push anybody off a swing though because it could really hurt that person.” (In this example, it’s very important to address their anger because it was geared towards injuring someone else. Anytime a child shares about wanting to hurt someone else or themselves, always emphasize that behavior is inappropriate.)

You have two options to address Johnny’s request. If Daniel is also your son, you can set a timer for 2 minutes for each kid. Tell Daniel you’re setting a timer for 2 minutes and then it’s Johnny’s turn to have 2 minutes. And keep switching. Soon enough, one of them won’t come back after 2 minutes because they’ve moved onto something else. This is also a great strategy to follow with any toy they’re struggling to share.

Now, if Daniel isn’t your son, then you don't really have a say. Your option then is to help Johnny find something else to play with. A distraction. “You’re so good at climbing! How about you show me your monkey bar skills?”

1. You validated his emotion, 2. You listened to the information he was telling you.

Step 4: "Talk Like a Big Kid"

Remind them to “talk like a big kid.”

You know when you get into an argument with your spouse and hurtful things are said? It's likely that you were hurt and said things in ways that could hurt your partner too. You could have said the same exact information without the emotion attached to it.

Same rule for your child: deliver the same information, but in a different tone. Again, this is not to change or control what they’re telling you at all. It’s about focusing on their tone, as they communicate more clearly.

Remember that they’re kids, and they’re going to get upset over things that seem silly and minor to adults. As a parent, however, you want them to come to you with all their needs. Like, an “open door” policy. When they’re teenagers, you want to know about their struggles, right?? That trust is being established during their childhood. So, allow them to tell you all their needs!

But, “talk like a big kid.”

Use examples in your voice of what a whiny request sounds like, and then change it to the same exact request but in a big kid way. Show them how to “talk like a big kid.”

Example: Macie (4) and Ellie (7) are sisters. They were having reading time one afternoon. Ellie: “MOOOOOOM, I reeeeally want to read the dinosaur book, but Macie won’t give it to me!” Macie: “But moooom, I’m not done reading it yet!!” Ellie: “Yes, you are! You just started it over again because I said I wanted to read it.” As she slapped the book our of her sister’s hands. Mom: “Ellie, I can see that you're mad (emotion) and want to read the dinosaur book (information). Macie, since you already finished it once, give your sister a turn and then you can read it again. But remember girls, talk like big kids.”

Once the "talk like a big kid" motto has been used a few times, the kids will get the hang of it and know exactly what you mean. You'll be able to use the “talk like a big kid” request as soon as your child comes to you in a whiny tone, and they’ll adjust right away.

It’s a glorious victory when most of their requests start being communicated like "big kids!"

Step 5: Be Consistent

Consistency is very important when establishing a new norm. Sometimes you’ll feel like a broken record repeating the same thing over and over and over again. Sometimes it’s hard because you’re exhausted so you give in to the whining. Other times, you just explode and yell at the kids to “just stop whining already!”

It’s part of the process of all imperfect parents. And guess what?? We are ALL imperfect!!! You are not alone here!

Just stay with it. Keep going! Don’t give up just because your kid hasn’t started talking like a big kid after the first week.

Keep validating their emotion. Keep focusing on the information. Keep reminding them to talk like a big kid.

You’re not trying to tell your kid not to feel. You’re actually teaching them about their feelings!

You’re not trying to change their request. You’re just asking that their requests be delivered differently!

Stay consistent in your approach. And soon enough, the reminders will be less frequent, your kid will be “talking like a big kid” without your reminders, and the whining will stop.